Even the words we use are just mutually agreed upon grunts. But somebody stop me before I launch into the whole "Is the color red you see the same one I do..." rant.
The question is: How do we get along when we converse, and specifically when we disagree?
What typically happens in a disagreement:
- Each person tries to assert their viewpoint to prove that they have the correct lens. It's uncomfortable to consider that you may have been wrong all this time.
- The differences in the viewpoints are highlighted, and so a rugged wedge gets inserted between your souls.
- Eg: "You always rescue the kids instead of letting them learn from their mistakes. You need to back up and stop trying to fill your need to be needed."
Let's try this instead:
- Make it a practice to explain back to the other person what you understand their main points to be. Read between the lines only when you're getting confirmation that you're on the right track. This allows them to feel heard (even if you get it wrong they will appreciate that you are trying), and to clarify misconceptions in focus that arise.
- Look for points of agreement and highlight those, before mentioning the diverging points. This makes it seem like the conversation is a mutual endeavor as opposed to a survival of the fittest clash.
- Seek to understand before trying to be understood. That way you will know what the real issue is anyway, and will come across as much more respectful, which induces compliance. Plus it makes St Francis stoked.
- Eg: "I can see that you care about our kids and just want the best for them. We both want that and are a team! When I allow the kids to make their own mistakes, what is it that you think I am trying to accomplish?"
Check it out: typically other people aren't doing things to intentionally upset you. Their behavior stems from their own coping skills, fears, and entrenched modes of functioning from their families of origin.
Give 'em a break and they'll more than likely scratch your back too, instead of breaking it.
